Travel Hacks

As some of you know our family has recently gotten back from a trip to Florida for the holidays. And I know what y’all have been dying for….

You are in luck!

Your wait is over!

I will be giving you my favorite traveling with kids hacks.

A little background about myself for those who don’t know: I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old. That’s about all the background you need for this blog 😂 

Travel hack 1:

Bring an Ipad, bring a backup ipad charger, bring a portable ipad charger….NEVER LET THE IPAD DIE! We personally enjoy the really overpriced portable chargers they sell at the airport because I have mistakenly left the 500 of them that we own at home and I will just sacrifice that money to not have a meltdown mid flight. 

 

Travel hack 2:

Be sure to bring a few books, paper and crayons, and action figure for your 5 year old so that his backpack is too heavy for him to carry on his own without falling over midway to the terminal and declaring he can’t go on. This, in turn, creates more baggage for you to carry and in the end he will never actually touch the books or crayons.

Travel Hack 3:

For our 1 year old I like to bring post its, his favorite stuffed animal, and his favorite o-ball so that he can emphatically throw them on the floor and have me lean over awkwardly in the tiny space they give for our legs while he is simultaneously throwing himself backwards and screaming because he REALLY wanted those toys. Then hand them back to him to then be thrown into my face with a smirk and a giggle. In actuality all he wants is your cell phone and his brothers Ipad, which causes much anger between the 5 and 1 year old which results in a scream fight……everyone’s favorite thing in a confined space full of recycled air and tension.

Travel Hack 4:

Don’t forget to bring a bottle for the baby during take off and landing and hopefully to soothe him to a nice, peaceful sleep. But in actuality he will drink half and then forcefully push it away because he is DONE! But he will be mad because he really wanted to drink the milk, then you give it back and he pushes it away again. This game will continue for about 1.5 hours until a few tears will be shed between all parties involved and you have decided to swear off milk for the rest of your life. 

Travel Hack 5:

Noise canceling headphones. These are KEY for everyone on the plane. People will be loud talkers, babies will cry, toddlers may be scared, someone may snore. We are in a confined space with other humans (and sometimes animals). If you got on the plane without some sort of ear covering devise and then are mad about people making noise (how dare they!) that is definitely a you problem. I will not apologize for existing and my kids will not either. They are tiny humans just trying to get through it and I am a parent trying my hardest to keep them calm, cool, and collected. And I guarantee if you are having a hard time with the actions of children, the family is having a 1000% worse time than you. Maybe try and play peek-a-boo with the baby or buy the parents a drink? Or don’t do anything, which is great as long as you are not being a jerk.

So that’s it folks. Give them some form of electronics, try to get them to go to sleep whatever way you can, and take deep breaths. Those are my hacks. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t. Either way, flying with children is hard. They should have shirts that say “I survived this flight” to hand to parents when they exit the plane.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by ❤️

Ashley

@Icanseeyourefrustrated

Such a privilege

This past weekend was one for the books. Rob, my sister in law, and myself went to see Hamilton. And it was a.maz.ing!!

So inspiring

So much talent

So beautiful

The fact that we were even able to see it was a privilege. Like, a real privilege. We are fortunate enough to have the money to purchase these tickets. To pay for parking in the city. To go our for a celebratory dinner afterwords in the city. To be inspired by a group of people who have trained their whole lives to belt out these ballads on a stage in front of hundreds. The privilege to witness this musical that is giving people of color in the theater world a place to shine.

So. much. talent.

It was unbelievable. Also kinda wish I could be Lin-Manuel Miranda and Vanessa Nadal’s friend. Maybe one day 😉

To be able to bare witness to this amazing piece of art is a privilege I hope to never take for granted. To look back at where we have come from and where we are now is mind blowing. I am thankful for the times I can reflect on what was and what is.

In the show Hamilton I really connected with Eliza. The wife of a man who was trying to change things. A woeful relationship (at times) but one of love and understanding. The one who was behind all the stories. She was able to continue his legacy. So often these characters, the one’s who lift up those to make it possible for change, can be overlooked. But I see you

“And I ask myself, have I done enough? Will they tell your story?”

When bodies are not so awesome

As I’ve been writing and reflecting about the wonderful things our bodies can do, I started thinking about times where my body did not feel as awesome as I imagined it could.

What happens when we feel as though our bodies are failing? Infertility, depression, anxiety, loss of range of motion, constant pain, allergies, low immune system, the list of ailments goes on and on. There are so many things we think our body should be doing differently and that is really hard.

One of the struggles with my body is infertility. I am so thankful for modern medicine. Tests that can help resolve issues or get us closer to an answer. But sometimes there’s no answer that can be found. And sometimes our bodies will never do the thing they are “supposed” to do. Sometimes the infertility road ends with a pregnancy and warm, squishy baby at the end. But sometimes it doesn’t. And that is really hard.

While we were in the midst of the struggle of trying to get pregnant the second time around, it was so hard. So very hard. Every month that passed with a negative test sunk me into a deeper depression. It was a crushing blow every month. It was disheartening. And when months turned into years, the news of no news was sending me even lower. Throughout most of this journey I had great support and community through a local group, mother’s circle, in Vermont that gave me the space to be upset without giving advice or trying to fix it. They just let me cry and get angry and laugh and just exist as someone who was struggling with something. I also found great support in my husband and eventually found an amazing therapist.

The day we found out we were pregnant was a huge shock. We just needed to take a test to rule out pregnancy before we started IVF. What a surprise! What joy! Also, what anxiety for the continued growth of this little one.

Our bodies can do amazing things. But sometimes they are not able to do those amazing things we expect of them. I am so thankful for the outcome we have and also know that not everyone will receive this outcome. I try and remember that when connecting with those who are traveling this road I have seen a bit of. Yes, sometimes when we stop trying that’s when things happen….but this is the exception not the rule. We stopped trying. We stopped stressing. But we did not get pregnant during that time. I know friends who’ve adopted and then got pregnant. This is wonderful and amazing news! But this is the exception and not the rule. Everyone’s body is different. Everyone’s journey is nuanced and individual.

As I continue learning about grief and holding space, I am becoming aware of well meaning things I’ve said in the past that caused more harm than good. I am realizing the best thing for me to do in situations of grief is to listen. Sit in the (sometimes) awkward space of sadness and be there with someone. I know that’s all I wanted. I wanted someone to listen. And not tell me that “this is going to happen” or “it’s all going to be ok” because maybe it will but maybe it won’t and I was very aware of both of those endings being possible.

Bodies are awesome. But sometimes they don’t feel so awesome. And that’s ok. I am learning.

Thanks for stopping by,

Ashley

Period

*Disclaimer* If you are not interested in reading about how a uterus regenerates every month then this blog post is not for you.

Menstruation, menses, period, shedding of the uterine lining….it’s a thing that happens. Is this something we can all agree on?

For the longest time (and still now) I was embarrassed (and sometimes horrified) about what my body did (about) once a month. Although I do have PCOS so it’s a little sporadic at times.

As I grow older and start understanding more about bodies, especially my body, it is becoming less of a shameful thing and more of just a thing that happens. Bodies do amazing things. Such an intricate connection between each system of our bodies. So a period is just another thing our bodies do. Hurray! It’s definitely not the most pleasant time in my life but it exists for a specific reason and for that I am thankful.

Someone once asked a group of moms what we are doing to teach our kids about menstruation. I have 2 boys so I have never actually thought about it. But I am realizing more and more that talking about it is important. And not in a big grandiose way but in an everyday kind of way. In a way that makes it totally normal….because it is. Most women will experience it. And talking about things our bodies do, emotions that we feel, talking about penises (is this even how you spell multiple penis?! I’m afraid to google it!) and vulvas, crying because we are sad, learning about poop, learning anatomy, it’s all important. I am realizing that the more I talk to my kids about these things the less scary or shameful they feel for the both of us.

So onward we continue to talk and learn about the awesome things that a uterus does and that includes shedding it’s lining so it can rebuild a space that a potential baby brother or sister may exist in the future….or not and then it starts all over again. And also continue to talk about all the other awesome things are bodies do. How our heart pumps blood, our lungs take in oxygen, our brains hold memories, our arms make big squeezy hugs, and so much more!

And while we are on the topic of periods….Have your heard of the menstrual cup? Well, let me tell you…..it sounded terrifying to me. I have heard some pretty hilarious (and traumatizing) menstrual cup stories. What if it got stuck forever?!? What if it didn’t do what it was supposed to do? What if it felt weird all day? You know, all the questions and freak outs one has before trying something new.

I took the quiz https://putacupinit.com/ and it pointed me towards the SAALT. I took the dive and purchased it.

My review (since I’m sure you’re dying to know 😂 ): it was great! Not as scary as I first expected. Didn’t have any leaks. Could leave it in up to 12 hours. I reduced the amount of waste I create as a human on this earth (I’m trying to slowly replace items that I use with items that can help reduce the amount of waste I create). I would highly recommend giving it a try. Thankfully it did not get stuck forever and I have lived to see another day!🎉

So in conclusion:

*Bodies are awesome.

*Menstrual cups are not as scary as they seem.

*Boys should learn about periods too.

Thanks for stopping by,

Ashley

Bodies

This month I’ve decided to start taking my own advice. I’ve decided to get some clothes (thanks Target, Stitch Fix, Thredup, Torrid and Amazon) that fit me and made me feel good. So many times I’ve said to myself that I don’t deserve new clothes until I hit a certain weight or look a certain way. I felt that, because of the fat on my body, it was not beautiful.

Well all of that is about to change. It’s bullshit. My worth is not connected to how much or how little fat I have on my body. My body is beautiful and does amazing things. It is made up of intricate systems that are all connected to make up who I am.

I am (very) slowly coming to the realization that instead of spending my days being critical of whatever I decide to not like that day about my body, I can decide to embrace it. Love what it looks like. Love what it does. Love how far it’s come and how much further it has to go.

As women, our bodies are often up for conversation. When we are pregnant, people talk about our bodies. When we have the baby we are asked about our bodies and when we are getting them back (which is odd because my body didn’t go anywhere. It’s still right here). We feel pressure that our bodies are not enough. That it should look like someone else’s body (which is impossible because I am not someone else, I am me).

In the end I am hopeful that I can just exist in the body that I decide I want. The choice to have more or less fat on my body is entirely up to me. What I wear, what I do (or don’t do), how much I smile, how much I cry, how much I hug, if I want to lose weight, if I want to gain weight, if I want to run, play video games, eat sugar, cut sugar…..I am learning to be ok with the decisions I make about my body.

There are still times that I am critical, it’s hard not to be. But I am hopeful that those critical thoughts will become less as I gain more of an understanding of the wonders of what my body has done and continues to do for me in all its beauty.

PS- I hope this post does not come off as shaming of other bodies. It’s not to say that fat bodies are better or worse than thin bodies. I am just speaking from my experience. I know that many of us (men, women, thin, fat, in between) have experienced negativity about our bodies from others (as well as ourselves). And that’s not ok. I am just here trying to figure out this whole self love thing.

Thanks for reading ❤️

World’s okayest mom 😂 (shirt by fresh apparel)

The Day I Found Out

It was a sunny day as Rob, T, and I sang “shake it off” on our way to the doctors for our 20 week anatomy scan. We were excited to see our little one again. We had decided to find out the sex of the baby via the popping of a balloon with strategically placed confetti in a certain color, done by our local party store.

We had been through this before with our first kiddo at the 20 week mark. Making sure the spine, brain, feet, legs, arms, and everything else was developing correctly.

We arrive, get taken back, and the ultrasound tech starts scanning. Letting us know what we were looking at. T was getting restless so I told Rob to take him for some food in the café (and grab me lunch too) and grab the car and pull it around for a quick and easy exit.

The Doctor always needs to come in and talk about what they just saw so I was waiting for that to happen. In between waiting they made me switch ultrasound rooms. I thought it was because something was wrong with the machine in my room but realize now the other machine was better for taking a closer look.

The baby is still pretty low in the pelvis at 20 weeks so the Doctor had to push pretty hard on my stomach to find everything he needed to. It was uncomfortable but I didn’t think much of it.

Something I never thought (or wanted) to hear from someone looking at my baby in utero is “you should call your husband back up here to discuss the ultrasound”. Obviously, I knew at that point he had found something. My mind was racing. I saws that he was trying really hard to look at the baby’s head. I was thinking maybe a brain issue, maybe a spine issue, maybe something about their neck or face.

The Doctor left the room. I text Rob to come back up quickly. I cried but tried to hold it together before I left the room to go into his office. Not really sure why I care so much about crying in front of someone I don’t know after just finding something on the scan that I do not know about yet. It’s a silly thought now. I should’ve just let myself cry. The enormity of the unknown is real and it’s my least favorite place to sit in.

Rob ran up with T and we sat down waiting to hear what the Doctor was about to say. And finally, he let us know that our baby had a cleft lip and possibly a cleft palate. He immediately talked about concerns for other genetic abnormalities that a cleft could be connected to and if we wanted to look further into that then we could. I wasn’t sure what he was alluding to at the time because I felt like all the wind just got knocked out of me.

There were tears. Tears for the idea of the baby I had in my mind. Mourning the thought of having an “average” child that did not have any conditions that I didn’t need to immediately research and find out what the next steps would be.

As we left his office they handed us a card with the baby’s sex hidden inside of it. I had almost forgotten about it. The idea of caring so much about the sex of our baby seemed a bit silly at that moment. Even though now I know, it’s ok for people to be excited about everything when it comes to baby. I can be excited about something and also sad about something at the same time. Emotions are funny like that.

In the car the tears kept coming. I had realized, as soon as the doctor said cleft, that I would not be able to nurse this baby and for me that was heartbreaking. I was not able to nurse T (more on this in a later blog post). I was so excited to try nursing this new little and then that dream crumbled.

And then the googling happened. I know I shouldn’t google things but here we are……I was looking for why this might have occurred. Did I do something wrong? I was not able to take my prenatal vitamin consistently…..was this the reason? I was so scared of what people were going to say. I was not ready to handle anyone saying anything about our baby once they were born. I was afraid I would end up crying or punching someone (or both) if things were said to me. I was afraid I wouldn’t love his face. I was afraid no one would love him. No one would want to hold him. I was afraid of him being taken to the NICU immediately. That he wouldn’t be able to eat. That his brother wouldn’t understand. I was afraid for his surgeries. What did that look like? I was afraid for him socially. Would kids be mean to him? All of the worries…..all of the guilt. It hit me so hard.

The next question we had was, could this be connected to some other sort of genetic abnormality. The doctor said they could do an amniocentesis. This is where they take a long needle and insert it into the uterus to take a bit of amniotic fluid to get a more clear picture of their genes. The doctor said it wouldn’t hurt. Also this doctor was a male so I’m not sure why I believed him. There are concerns for miscarriage but he assured me it is a very small percentage that may have had other factors involved.

Before I had kids I was sure I would never get an amniocentesis. Why would I need one? Knowing wouldn’t change anything for me as far as decisions go. But let’s talk about hypotheticals and then real life. We talked to a genetic counselor and found out some conditions that are connected to clefts and they are devastating. I look back at the Ashley before this moment and then the Ashley after. Real life is not hypothetical and everything changed when I was faced with the reality of what could be.

I decided to go forward with the amnio. I am a planner. I wanted to know if there was anything we needed to plan for. As the procedure was happening it all hit me. The magnitude of everything. The pain of the longest needle ever created. The idea that I could be harming my child. That I could miscarry. The what ifs. It was all too much. I was trying to breath through it while holding back sobs. It was painful and emotional. If I was faced with the same decision again I don’t know if I would do the amnio. But alas life is not hypothetical.

They sent off the sample and we waited.

The same day we found out about the cleft, we went to the party shop, gave them the seal envelope, and asked them to make us a balloon that big brother could pop. We took it home, popped it and the blue confetti flew out of there. Another little boy. I was secretly hoping it would be a boy after the cleft news. Beauty standards are so intense with girls.

The genetic tests came back all clear. This was just a fluke. At 7 weeks gestation (yeah its that early!) his cleft lip and palate were formed.

The more I sat with this news the more I came to terms with everything. I met with our cleft team. Got ready to meet this guy. The day he was born was magical (birth story will happen in future blog post). He was perfect. Beautiful. All ours. Made of pure joy and love and just so, so beautiful. O entered our world and it is so much richer than we could ever have imagined.

• 

• 

Birth Story of T (2014)

This story was written a month after I had our oldest kiddo in 2014. Birth stories are one of my favorite things to hear. I read somewhere once that if someone wants to tell you their birth story then listen. It’s such an overwhelming, exciting, scary, unpredictable time in our lives and it’s worth sharing and listening to over and over.

Enjoy the story of this sweet and spunky boy and how he entered our lives

Baby T on the day he was born

This is the story of a birth. Not just any birth but the birth of our oldest son T and the birth of us becoming parents!

The night before I went into labor I attended an art opening at Rob’s University where a lot of my friends attended. It was wonderful to see everyone and chat about what was to come with little T and life and of course to check out the art work. I was telling everyone it would be at least another week before this little man decided to enter this world. I really have no idea why I thought that because clearly I am no doctor. I guess I just assumed that he would be late since many people’s first babies are late. I even went as far as to invite everyone over to our place that Sunday for a Labor Day cook out. I was THAT sure this baby was not coming on time. I should’ve known that labor day would be quite foreshadowing!

That night, after the show, Rob and I hung out with our good friends Bech and Marley who live 3 doors down and have recently had their own tiny tot (as well as already having an adorable little wild man), until midnight just chattin it up. Well little did I know that at 2:30 in the morning I started having contractions. At first I just thought it was back pain but soon realized that they were coming every 5 minutes at 1 minute apiece. After an hour of this I called the on call doctor and she confirmed that I am indeed in labor but I had to wait until it sucked a lot more (she said it better than this but I kind of like imagining a doctor telling me this). So I woke up my sweet, sweet husband and I took a hot bath and shower like the class I took earlier that year told me to do to help with pain and also you never know when you will be able to shower next. So after that we did a little tidying of the house and then I told Rob to go ahead and get some more sleep. I napped a bit (as much as I could considering the circumstances) and then when 8:30am hit we went to our already scheduled doctors appointment. Since the day I went into labor was my actual due date I had already had a routine check up scheduled. The doc checked me, said I was 5 cm, and said head on over to the hospital it looks like you’re ready to have a baby (these were not her exact words but you get the idea)

Rob and I headed over to the hospital, which was right next door, and we checked in to labor and delivery. At this point the contractions hurt but they didn’t hurt to the point where I wanted an epidural so I just assumed they were going to send me home saying that I was not far enough along to be admitted, but I was indeed wrong.

They checked me in, explained they wanted to break my water to move along the process, and said that I could get an epidural now if I wanted. I said no to the epidural at that time because I wasn’t in enough pain to want one yet and declined the breaking of the water at that time. Well from 9am to 2pm I labored, it got increasingly worse and I opted for an epidural before it got to the point where I believe I wouldn’t have been able to handle it.

Receiving the epidural was no fun at all but afterwards it was magic. I couldn’t feel the contractions at all and I could get a bit of rest. At this point I told Rob to grab some food so he would be well nourished for the remainder of the labor (and have the energy to hold up my wobbly leg when I was ready to push). At this point they broke my water to see if I would progress. I did not progress so they started me on Pitocin, which is a drug that induces contractions and helps one dilate. Well after a little while on that medicine I started feeling the contractions on my right side. They were close together and they hurt like whoa! So I called a nurse to call the anesthesiologist to pump me up again with some of the magic juice and man oh man did he. As soon as he gave me another dose the doctor came in and told me I was ready to push. Fantastic and SO terrifying. I was overwhelmed at the fact that I was about to see my child that I’ve been harboring for 9 months, that I was about to transition from pregnancy to motherhood. CRAZY! But there was no turning back! Apparently, I pushed like a champ, I’m not too sure because I couldn’t feel anything thanks to my good friend the epidural. I pushed for 30 minutes and then there he was in all his glory, born at 5:45pm kicking and screaming and he was all ours. All 7lb 9oz and 21 inches of him. There were tears and hugs and kisses and the sweet nurse took a picture of the 3 of us!

New family of 3

Origin Story

We’re a little bit silly and I am queen of crazy eyes

Hi! I’m Ashley. I’m a mother of 2 cuties. (Hopefully) Future social worker. Non art making, art major. Wife of an artist, professor, social activist, and all together wonderful human. I also love exclamation points! I’m just trying to figure out this whole “life with kids” thing.

In 2014 Rob (my husband) and I had ourselves a little boy. We had planned and tried (for a while) to have this kiddo. When he came into our world, mine flipped upside down. I struggled with postpartum depression, not connecting with my child, questioning what I had gotten myself into…..you know, the usual 😬. As our child grew into his child-ness, I found myself growing into my mother-ness. As we got to know each other we began connecting and I become a little less terrified of what the future would hold. 4 years later (2018) we had ourselves another little guy. We like them both a whole lot.

Now onto the other stuff:

This shit is hard. For real. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m completely winging it (so is everyone else for that matter). That’s why back in the day people were lifted up by their community, whether that be family or friends. We have strayed away from that concept and it is isolating people who need to be wrapped in community more than ever!

I am on a mission to talk about the hard stuff, the boring stuff, and the fun stuff. I am here to talk about creating our own communities. I am here to talk about every day life. I cannot do this alone so I am constantly on the hunt for ways to connect and create community for myself and for others.

I often say “before I was a mom, I was the best parent!”. Boy was I an asshole back then. Becoming a parent has been the most (continually) humbling thing that has happened to me. I was so sure of the parent I was going to be before I was actually a parent. But once I had kids everything I thought I was going to be was tossed out the window. I am slowly growing into the parent I am meant to be through (lots of) trial and error as well as (lots of) therapy 😂. I find myself telling my, now 5 year old, son ” I can see you’re frustrated” pretty often. It’s a way I try and validate his feelings but also try not to lose my cool when tensions are high. Emotional intellegence is something I have always struggled with. I don’t want that for my children. I am learning more about my emotions while simultaneously trying to help them navigate theirs. Also being frustrated is just a part of life….not just in parenting. So I found the title fitting (and a little giggle worthy).

So join me on this adventure of figuring it out together. I can’t wait to learn all about the joys, struggles and laughable moments as they happen!

Thanks for stopping by!

-Ashley