As I’ve been writing and reflecting about the wonderful things our bodies can do, I started thinking about times where my body did not feel as awesome as I imagined it could.
What happens when we feel as though our bodies are failing? Infertility, depression, anxiety, loss of range of motion, constant pain, allergies, low immune system, the list of ailments goes on and on. There are so many things we think our body should be doing differently and that is really hard.
One of the struggles with my body is infertility. I am so thankful for modern medicine. Tests that can help resolve issues or get us closer to an answer. But sometimes there’s no answer that can be found. And sometimes our bodies will never do the thing they are “supposed” to do. Sometimes the infertility road ends with a pregnancy and warm, squishy baby at the end. But sometimes it doesn’t. And that is really hard.
While we were in the midst of the struggle of trying to get pregnant the second time around, it was so hard. So very hard. Every month that passed with a negative test sunk me into a deeper depression. It was a crushing blow every month. It was disheartening. And when months turned into years, the news of no news was sending me even lower. Throughout most of this journey I had great support and community through a local group, mother’s circle, in Vermont that gave me the space to be upset without giving advice or trying to fix it. They just let me cry and get angry and laugh and just exist as someone who was struggling with something. I also found great support in my husband and eventually found an amazing therapist.
The day we found out we were pregnant was a huge shock. We just needed to take a test to rule out pregnancy before we started IVF. What a surprise! What joy! Also, what anxiety for the continued growth of this little one.
Our bodies can do amazing things. But sometimes they are not able to do those amazing things we expect of them. I am so thankful for the outcome we have and also know that not everyone will receive this outcome. I try and remember that when connecting with those who are traveling this road I have seen a bit of. Yes, sometimes when we stop trying that’s when things happen….but this is the exception not the rule. We stopped trying. We stopped stressing. But we did not get pregnant during that time. I know friends who’ve adopted and then got pregnant. This is wonderful and amazing news! But this is the exception and not the rule. Everyone’s body is different. Everyone’s journey is nuanced and individual.
As I continue learning about grief and holding space, I am becoming aware of well meaning things I’ve said in the past that caused more harm than good. I am realizing the best thing for me to do in situations of grief is to listen. Sit in the (sometimes) awkward space of sadness and be there with someone. I know that’s all I wanted. I wanted someone to listen. And not tell me that “this is going to happen” or “it’s all going to be ok” because maybe it will but maybe it won’t and I was very aware of both of those endings being possible.
Bodies are awesome. But sometimes they don’t feel so awesome. And that’s ok. I am learning.
Thanks for stopping by,
Ashley
I can see you're frustrated 